SARAH'S LAUGHTER

The Lord said (to Abraham), ‘I will surely return to you in the spring, and Sarah your wife shall have a son.’ And Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, ‘After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?’ The Lord said to Abraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, and say, “Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?” Is anything too hard for the Lord?’ . . . But Sarah denied, saying, ‘I did not laugh’; for she was afraid. He said, ‘No, but you did laugh.’

I suppose you could say that I have been a very “long term sub” who overstayed her welcome. I have been teaching as a full time adjunct university faculty member – teaching under temporary, one-semester contracts; no committee assignments, lower salary, no benefits, no raises; just teaching. I had been invited to join the faculty in 1999 to cover the course load of someone who had died over the summer. I gladly accepted it because the working conditions of the mental health clinic in which I was a therapist were consistently deteriorating. When I was turned down for the permanent teaching spot at the end of the academic year, I should have left, but I did not for a couple of reasons. I applied again this year when two positions were opened up, and again was not hired. I had an intuition that I would not be hired, so I had been applying for other positions. I interviewed with the Clinical Director of a company that provides psychotherapy services to nursing home residents. It was a good interview, and she called back to give a positive report of checking with an appropriate administrator regarding the acceptability of my counseling license. A couple of weeks later, early on a Monday morning the Director called to tell me that a higher administrator had decided that he preferred to hire a Clinical Social Worker because there is never a question of insurance reimbursement with that license. I hung up and cried demoralized tears. Rejection again. It was complete – a new definition of myself: an unemployable person. Not just that I was about to have no job, not just that that part of my life was in disarray, but that my total identity had become “unemployable person.” I was a failure, a waste, and ashamed.

The rest of the day alternated between tragic sadness and fleeting moments of trying to be faithful to the hope from the morning’s devotional encouragement to remember that Christ is on the battle field with and for me; to remember, affirm and lock onto that I am God’s beloved, therefore I must and could be “be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord (my) labor is not in vain” (I Corinthians 15:58). It felt wrong to have my husband carry the full financial load while undergoing chemotherapy. He and I talked about challenging the decision and process at the university, but that sometimes you had to endure what is, i.e., suck it up and go to work, so I swallowed my pride and e-mailed my Department Chair that I would teach the Spring semester. It was such a low day, and I desperately needed comfort, but felt alone.

Late in the afternoon I went to the mailbox and opened an envelope addressed to me from a church in New York that I had never heard of. Walking back into the house, reading the letter I stopped in my tracks. It was a very kindly worded letter from the Chairman of the Deacon Board telling me that they had decided to call someone other than me to be the new pastor. Yup, I was being turned down for a position I had never applied for. Even people I didn’t know were rejecting me! This was too much, too wild. My soul peeped the Cosmic joke, the Divine Comedian, and fell out. Hurt, disappointment, fear, humiliation, grief, and desolation were gone. I burst into laughter. Then I surrendered; time to get on track one step at a time, as best I can, leaving the ‘safety’ of jobs in order to co-create the work God most needs me to do.

Sarah’s laughter! Laughter that comes from the heart of all that we are living through as best we can by the grace of God. Moments of pure clarity of soul and lightness of being arrive. Deep understanding of life’s foolish twists and turns, and revelations of freedom swoop down as on eagles’ wings. The Spirit flies in, grabs us, seats us bareback, and we mount up for an impromptu soar, whooping it up for joy. We come back down, wiser than we were two moments earlier because we have glimpsed our very own new heaven and new earth.

Sarah’s laughter. Blessings and peace.

Rev. Dr. Linda Kirkland-Harris
April, 2006